She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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