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can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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