life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
