Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize