I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
