apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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