We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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