I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
