One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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