I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
