You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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