Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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