Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
