I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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