i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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