I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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