So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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