he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
