she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
