Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
