Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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