I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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