Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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