Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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