In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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