my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
