So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
