Farmville is her only friend.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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