I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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