If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
