bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Enjoy the penises
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
