You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
