TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
