my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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