he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
