Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
