3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
