It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
