he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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