My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize