if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
