you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
