Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
