Even the bartender felt bad for me
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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