dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
