Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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