Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize