Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
