Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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