I wish life had little blips of pornography
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
