They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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