Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
