woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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